Seconds later, crying, I realized I truly was forgiven because I still felt God's presence and was at total peace; I could literally feel that the weight of my sins and the torment of sins others had committed against me had been lifted from me, this is unexplainable other than the way I just told you. I could even see how He had been with me throughout my life, guiding me, protecting me. And past sins I had buried were cleared up and revealed to me for what they really were.
Months later, I had still done nearly no growing spiritually for many reasons, but to keep this as concise as possible, I will say truly it was because I was not seeking Him. See, I didn't understand how this spiritual life worked. I didn't even realize I was now spirit, or even that Jesus was (is) God and that He was the whole reason I now had communion with God. I had still barely opened a Bible and did not know it was the inerrant word of God (until later). All I knew was that I was different than before and desired new things, but I didn't know what those new things were or how to pursue them. One night though, I read the following verses:
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." John 1:1
"And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1:14
Now, I only read to "became flesh" of the second verse and then threw my hand over my mouth as if I couldn't believe what I had just read. Tears came to my eyes, I remembered with clarity the Gospel. I can not tell you how many times I heard the Gospel in my life; I can not tell you who told me the Gospel, I might say no more than 5, but in reality, I am totally unsure.) Even though for some reason, I had not understood it before, at that moment, I did. I understood and believed that God had come as a man, Jesus, and died for our sin. That was WHY and HOW I was experiencing the forgiveness and the communion with God. I spent the rest of that night pouring over Bibles and pretty much have ever since. That very night I even researched and wrote about the Temptation Of Jesus, and it was that night I discovered that God had introduced Himself to us in ways I had never imagined. He put on flesh, was born, walked with His feet, worked with His hands, and delivered His body up to death on a cross without uttering one vile word. He lived the only sinless life, being the only one that ever could. He prayed for those who murdered Him. Then, three days after His burial, He rose. To reveal to us that He was God, and He had power over death, and if we believed Him, we would be able to share in His victory over death as well and be granted everlasting life. THIS was the NEW life I had been experiencing, feeling, longing to nurture and make thrive.
I needed truth. God must be worshiped in spirit and in truth. (John 4:24)
Now, backing up a bit, because of this experience and my near no-knowledge rebirth, I had examined myself many times to ensure I was not lying when I said I was born again on 4/3/11 - but as my husband says, the level of knowledge about your salvation does not determine your salvation. The question is, are you saved? Are you born again? I knew that day I had a new nature, but as a newborn, I still needed to grow, and even though I did so extremely slowly (nearly not at all), I feel, during the months leading up to the point I read those verses, I still could tell I was not the same person I used to be as of that day. It is intriguing, but the way I have come to explain it is:
When you are born, do you have any knowledge of what you are? Do you even realize that you are human? No. We know nothing, only that we need the breast; we need milk. We need nourishment; we must live.
When I was born again, I truly was like a little baby, lying there on the floor of my inner being, crying out for milk but circumstances and my lack of knowledge led me to try and continue living as I had been while still just thinking about God on my own, wondering when He would move again, or show me some sign. In fact, He did. Someone did a tarot card reading on me (though now I know this is borderline heresy, hehe, it was "just for fun" - a three-card reading). Not only that, but I was told to "ask the cards a question" - well, I knew these inanimate cards would not give me an answer, but I knew full well God could. So I prayed, "Lord, I do not feel I am on the right path. I want to be on Your path. Please show me that I am on the right path or show me how to get there. I trust You."
The three cards were laid out. They were meant to represent the past, present, and future. I do not remember what the first two cards said. In fact, I basically forgot right after they were read. But the future card resonates with me. It was THE SUN. And the first sentence of the reading: "You will receive a spiritual teacher" - I knew God had used the cards to answer my prayer..and He did - it was He, Himself.
It has been 3 years, 3 months, and 13 days since my rebirth. I have gotten so close to God so fast yet still know I have so very far to go. I have removed myself from the world in many ways, and it has allowed me to meditate on His truths and learn more than I could before. I cannot explain how God has placed me where He has so that I would come to know Him and be with the right people that lead me to this beautiful place in my life. We are burdened by debt and many other issues that, at first, were almost overwhelming for newlyweds with a new baby and no real parenting experience. But with God's help, guidance and love, we persevere and follow Him in faith. I see Him working in our marriage and in the lives of those around us.
As a result of all this, I simply cannot live my life in the same ways I have been. Compassion for others has been set in my heart, one that bloomed the moment I laid eyes on my baby girl. It was as if when I held her and brought her to my chest for the first time, I was holding every human ever born.
We were all babies once.
I know all too well evil is alive and active in this world, as I am sure you do as well, and things are happening that make me weep if I think on them too long. But the greater thing that is happening is that God is saving people, no matter what evil people commit. And the one perfect way He set it all right, the reason He is able to save us, is because He came and died on the cross and rose again. Defeating death and sin. Because of that, we all have a chance to live.
In order to live, though, we must die. What do I mean by this? We must die to ourselves. We all know we are going to die at some point. We can ignore that fact and try and build ourselves up here in this life all we want, but the reality of it will creep in faster than you think, and many people don't even see it coming, but they have known their entire lives, it would certainly come. To prepare for our day of death, we must give our lives over to God; being born again, we can die to ourselves, give up our old ways of life, and seek new ways, righteous ways, and His ways. Only by Him giving us His nature and allowing us to be born of the Spirit are we able to do this. So it is truly a work of God so that none of us can boast. We are all equal in Christ.
I was dying to live before I met God, but in reality, I was just dying. Now, I am alive in the spirit. But by choosing to die to my flesh and live for Him, I am discovering profound truths I never thought possible and seeing the beauty I craved before I met Him, in Him.
Are you dying to live? Try dying to self. If you have not surrendered yourself to God, though, this will be impossible. He will not force you, but He is waiting for you.
